Fighting in the Valley

Dad: They were fighting there, in the valley, to a man. Fighting and dying.
Me: What was the name of the valley, Dad?
Dad: (In an eerie sort of voice- one that I will never forget) That's the thing. No one knows, to a man. They just fight and die, and none of them knows why.

I've no clue why this last bit of conversation keeps rolling through my consciousness. Over and over, and the tone of his voice when he talked about the valley. It pulls at my heart. I've never heard him talk like that- almost as if it were someone else's voice. Maybe it was. I don't know. But it's burned into me with a sweetness born of his longing to tell me how much he loved me. For a need to wipe away over 50 years of pain and contention.

Yes, there are times when the pain peeks through. When I remember words as whips, anger and the need to control and cause pain. But mostly now, I remember that valley, and the reverence with which he spoke of it. I realize that the two of us, by virtue of our physical infirmities, were soldiers fighting in that nameless valley. One of us fell, and one remains standing. And still, we don't know the name of the valley.

Taking a Breath- May 31

It's very strange how life goes on when you think it really needs to stop and take a deep breath.

And Then It's Done- May 30

Laid dad to his final rest today.
The world is a strange place with neither mom nor dad alive anymore. Very strange indeed.

Quietude

"Listen to yourself, and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God"
Maya Angelou

And then He Moves On- May 27

Dad died this afternoon. It was his wish- his deepest wish- to not have to live through the hell of being trapped in a body that no longer functioned. I'm glad his pain is gone. I'm glad the horror of being in a body that had failed him is gone. I am glad, so glad, he is at peace.

Love you Dad. I'm glad we had our night. It meant everything. Absolutely everything.

Hangin' with Dad- May 17

At the home watching dad play with his underpants. We were struggling for control of his water mug, and I wouldn't let him take the lid off. He looked at me and said "You have all the markings of a bitch". I laughed hard and said- you say that like it's a bad thing. Heh.

Hangin' with Dad- May 16

Hangin' with Dad today. He fed himself mashed potatoes! That's pretty huge. And he has a sense of humor about stuff today. He tells me to quit being bossy, I tell him if he did what he was supposed to do I wouldn't have to be bossy. Then he tries to sell me to the nurses. He's not having any luck with that. He also stood up for the first time in days. He's very present mentally. Keeps telling me little factiods he's learned over the years. Was concerned about the water pressure in the toilet. Heh.

April 27 rehab miracle

Well, there are miracles, and then there are miracles. We took dad to a rehab facility Friday evening. Before he went, we had to constantly struggle to keep him in touch with reality, to keep his clothes on, to keep him alive.We were all convinced this was it. The doctors said there was simply nothing left to do but keep him comfortable- which wasn't happening. I can't begin to explain the stress we all went through, staying with him there in the hospital. Exhaustion trying to keep him in bed and dressed, dealing with the hallucinations, trying to keep his CPAP on until you begin to get hallucinations yourself, working out schedules to sit with him. He was unable to move his legs, and was beginning to get bedsores.

Saturday? Dude is sitting up IN A CHAIR! He told my sister- "the doctors keep trying to put me in a grave, and I keep digging my way out."
Truer words were never spoken.

Keeping reality in the picture, he's still in renal failure. His heart is still pumping nearly 0%, and a few other organs are dying. He's still not long for this world. But at least he will go on his own terms, and not in a mindless haze. Thank you Lord.